Written by Mariana Paz- Solden
3:21: I am sitting at my kitchen table, with a coffee next to me, lots of thoughts in my head and my heart in my hands.
I am officially done University (whoa). For me, this means that I am living back at home with my parents, which means I am pretty far away from some of my closest friends. This also means I am finished my job at my university, which I adored, and am finishing up my job as a Wear Your Label Campus Rep, which I have also loved. The finishing of my university degrees means closure on lots of doors that have been open for several years.
Naturally, I am feeling a little bit discombobulated, a little bit without purpose and a whole lot out of place. I can picture my life 5 years from now, but the now part is a whole lot more confusing.
I have always been a day-dreamer. I was a very creative kid—and I read books like most kids eat candy. It’s no surprise that often, I have found it a lot more pleasing to live in my mind, then to live in reality. I always picture myself 4-5 years down the road, with a job, my own place, a dog and feeling a little happier than I currently am. Not that I am not happy right now—to be honest, I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I’m just not sure what I want, so I feel like I have no way to move forward.
I have written many blogs about goals, and tips and tricks on how to feel good about your life in the present. I believe in those things, goals and objectives work for me as a mechanism to be or feel productive. I am a person who likes being busy, being on the move and being full of goals and dreams. But, I also don’t want to be the person who is afraid to stand still for a moment, afraid to recollect myself after a big transition. And that’s where I am at right now.
I think I am scared that if I stop and really think about my life—I’m going to want something so different than what I have always wanted. That sort of fundamental change scares me.
I don’t want to use this blog as a way to tell you what to do. I want this blog to be about being okay with standing still at a crossroads. Yes, there are tons of goals to achieve. And yes, there is a million and one things you want to do in your life. But right now, you are where you are. And maybe you actually get the chance to just not decide—to go with the flow and say yes to opportunities that just knock on your door. How many people can say that!? That’s where I am at right now. No commitments, no ties, just me.
I like planning my life out—I almost need it. I have always been meticulous and organized in that way. But, right now, I want to forget about that organization and let go a little. I just want to live in the present and know that my future will unfold regardless of me searching for answers all the time. I am not where I want to be in life, but I also don’t want to rush there. It is in the journey of becoming myself that I have spent the sweetest moments.
In these ‘not planned moments’ I have:
cried with friends sharing my most precious secrets
and laughed with friends about my most embarrassing moments,
stayed out till 5:00 AM driving in a car singing at the top of my lungs,
talked about and spoke my mind,
I have eaten pizza,
and drank a little too much,
dance a whole lot
and just lived.
For me, part and parcel of having anxiety means consistently trying to plan life. For once in my life, there is nothing real to plan—but maybe more than that—I just don’t want to plan anymore.
The future is coming friends, and that’s okay with me. I know that I will be where I need to be in the future just like I am finally starting to feel I am where I need to be right now.
So here is a tiny challenge—if you can, for a bit, let go. That has been the overarching theme of all my blog posts on Wear Your Label. Let go and be present with the moment you are in. Not all moments are perfect—and they don’t have to be, to just be good. There is so much joy and beauty in imperfection, in long journeys and short pit stops. Relish that.
This is my last blog post for a while—but if you ever need someone to chat with, please reach out—whether to me or someone else. Your mental health is important, so take the time to do what makes yours feel okay. And don’t be scared of being lost—sometimes it’s these moments, looking for ourselves, that we uncover things we never knew we needed.
Thanks for wearing your label with me,
Till the next time,