Written by Josh Clapp
I wasn’t quite sure what this blog post was going to be about. I’m still not sure what I want to say and I have been wracking my brain about it for sometime. My life, currently, is not going so well – I’m not doing well, and in every way possible was I trying to write this blog post in a way that could be motivational and optimistic to readers, but then I realized that not everything is going to be like that. I think I’m allowed one time to vent and say things aren’t okay because we should be allowed to admit to that.
Recently, my mental health has taken a drastic turn and I have been having really bad anxiety, I have rarely been sleeping, I take frequent naps during the day, I lack energy and motivation, I’m constantly overthinking and more often than not I feel sad. I talk about this stuff in doses but I, personally, never wanted to feel like I was "whining" about myself and my problems because I know others out there have it much worse. It has gotten to the point where I just wanted to get my thoughts out onto paper, as maybe this will be a way to help me.
When I thought things seemed to start looking up for me, that’s when life decided to hit me with the unexpected ( of course.)
School work became incredibly heavy, and I’m trying to time-manage as best as possible but it’s seems so hard when I have no energy or will to keep pushing forward. I have one month left to finish this semester, and then I have to deal with the stress of finding a new place to live, finding a job in order to continue living in the city and be able to afford rent AND I have to continue to attain my internship hours. All of this has caused an overwhelming feeling, and just when I thought I was starting to get on the right track, I let my feelings become the best of me. I made myself vulnerable to a person and opened up to them, only for them to manipulate and play with my feelings and as you can imagine, this only ended up hurting me more. It had me questioning my self-worth and it made me feel unvalued. It is probably the largest contributing factor to everything I listed above and I hate it because despite all the pain this person causes, I’m the kind of person that would forgive them in a second. Why do I do this to myself? It ain’t me.
So, here come’s the part where I try and look at the positive.
Please know that I am still fighting, each and every single day, and while that sounds cheesy, the war up in my head is not. Right now I’m barely getting by but I’m still getting by, and I think that is what is important. You must keep moving forward during tough times. You must hold onto that hopeful feeling and remember that everything happens for a reason and you will end up where/with who/when/why/with what you are supposed to.
Here is a poem (I don’t even write poetry?) that I wrote the other night when I couldn’t sleep:
Black Sea – By Josh Clapp
I'm drowning in a black sea
It swallows me whole, suffocating
Can't you see what you're doing to me Crushing my heart in the palm of your hand People say stop crying and be a man
I try to fight it, I try to repress it
This plagued feeling is impossible to hide
If I could escape this water I would feel alive
But here I am, a shell of a person Pain in my chest, lump in my throat, Rage in my eyes and hurt in my heart I shouldn't have let my walls down Why did I make myself vulnerable That's not who I am, I say
Time goes by so slowly
If it will just go faster, I pray
For now I remain trapped
That doesn't sound like you, Clapp I can't help but feel this way
And I'm sorry
I'm drowning in a black sea
It swallowed me whole, suffocated