It's Not Easy To Be Easy On Yourself


Written by Cait Grogan 

 

In September, I was taking a full time course load, working two jobs, volunteering with 6 organizations and sitting on numerous committees. In November, I quit all my jobs, volunteer positions and dropped out of school. In December I started a full time job and went back to school. In January I found myself unemployed and hospitalized. I have always seen things in black and white, either all in or all out, yes or no, doing everything or doing nothing at all. Apparently that’s part of Borderline Personality Disorder, an innate part of my personality that’s always been there.

 

As soon as I was released from the hospital I was ready to jump back in to doing it all.

Lucky for me, the people around me didn’t let me do that. For the first time in my life I am taking time for myself - and although it felt weird at first, I know it was the best decision for me. Right now I am taking a part time course load, I’m not working, and I’m doing a little volunteering. For the first time I am not going above and beyond, and my inner perfectionist and overachiever is MAD.

  

Learning to take time for myself was hard.

At first I was genuinely BORED. I watched a couple series on Netflix, took a lot of naps, took even more baths. But then I started to hit my stride - going out, seeing my friends, reading, writing, painting, drawing, wandering around book stores and sitting in coffee shops. All the things I had never given myself time to do before. For a while it was uncomfortable - I have never gotten along well with myself and being alone was never something that worked well for me. Slowly but surely I have become friends with myself. Showing compassion and love to myself was the best thing for me. 

 

 

Although it is not easy to take time off, it is not easy to say no, and it is sure as hell not easy to be easy on yourself, it is endlessly worth it. 

2 comments

  • Brian Sim

    Caitlan you have made the right decision(s)……If we look around to the “overachievers” sometimes we view being busy……as quite different than just “being”

  • Maura Cook

    Slow and steady wins the race. You are learning at an early age what it has taken people my age to learn. We need to be our own best friend first and honour our body and I would also add our “mind’s eye”. Thanks for sharing this Caitlin.
    Namiste ?

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