I know this is really hard to understand.
I know it makes you upset to see me like this. I know you are unsure of what to say and what to do. But the truth is, nothing you say will magically heal the pain inside me or take away the sadness. You don’t need to put it on yourself to fix me because there is nothing to fix. You have accepted me for the person that I am, and that includes me on good days, as well as the bad. There will always be days that need to be more low-key for me, and on those days I will need your presence more than anything. I will need your shoulder to cry on, your arms wrapped around me to feel safe, and your witty sense of humor to sneak a smile on my face every once in awhile. You being with me is more than enough, and I will need time to get to state where I feel more like myself.
Remember that time I had to back out on our plans because of how anxious I was about it? I think about it all the time. As much as I wanted to I could not get myself out of an endless cycle of overthinking the situation. I know it didn’t make sense to you, but you tried to understand. You didn’t get mad, or ask me why, or try to push me out of my comfort zone, or make me feel guilty. Letting you down was what I feared most, but you assured me to do what I needed to do, and that was exactly what I needed.
Remember that time I had a panic attack for no reason? I broke down to you and you had no idea why. You asked me what was wrong and I didn’t know, and when I said that I wasn’t hiding anything from you- I really wasn't. Sometimes I feel panicked for no good reason and I wish I could provide you with an explanation. It is hard to explain what I am going through when most of the time I barely understand it. There isn’t a manual out there that explains why and when anxiety will hit, and sometimes you just have to roll with it.
It took a lot for me to open up to you about what I struggle with, and I know it took you a while to figure it out for yourself. When you assure me that I am not a burden when I’m struggling know that I don’t completely believe you, because no matter what I always feel like I’m too much to handle when I’m anxious.
If I were to ask just one thing of you, it is that you don't give up on me. Keep promising me that I’m okay, and reassuring me, and being there for me. While it might not always seem like I’m believing you, at the end of the day I remember those words, and they play back in my mind over and over again.
Written by Campus Rep Alyssa Friedman
Edited by Executive Assistant Addie Van Rijn